Late Night Thoughts

Do you ever just feel like you are no body’s favorite person? Like you could die and of course people would be upset, but no one would lose a part of themselves when they lost you… I have just been feeling like I am no ones number one person. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends that I love and adore and they love and adore me (well I think they do), but sometimes I just get these thoughts that we are like truly alone in the world.

I struggle a lot with this feeling. This feeling like no one in the world really ever misses me when I am not around. It’s like this cloud that looms over me. I feel like people only ever tolerant me, but they don’t genuinely like me. I know it has a lot to do with my anxiety and feeling like everyone hates me. But like truly, I don’t feel like I am anyone’s favorite person.

Maybe it’s because everyone I am surrounded by has their person, whether it be their best friend or their significant other, but me… I don’t have anyone. I hate that these thoughts come to me at night. I am just out here trying to take a little snooze but I am bombarded by these feelings of extreme loneliness. I want to find my person in this world. My best friend, the person I share the world with. Whether that be a best friend who people truly think I am dating, or the man I one day hope to marry. I just hate the lonely feelings, the feelings that no one would miss me if I was gone.

I sometimes wonder if I have any affect on people’s lives. I always want to be a positive influence or affect, but I know as humans we can not please everyone and that’s okay. (Thank you 10 years of therapy for helping me with that conclusion). I hate to be all sappy and depressing, but the whole reason I created this blog was so I had a place to express myself. I wish there was a magic way to create meaningful relationships. I miss the close bonded friendships, the people you would call at 3 am because your life is a disaster and you need them (speaking about you JF if you are reading this).

I know a lot of these feelings are my own fault, I tend to isolate myself so I don’t get hurt because if bad relationships/friendships have taught me anything, it’s that nothing lasts forever. I know I have hurt people and created problems I didn’t need to have. I know my personal choices have negatively affected so many people. I know me being a home body who is afraid of everyone makes it difficult to connect to people. I just long for meaningful, down to the soul friendships.

I love those friendships where it’s truly a down for whatever pair. You want to drive for 3 hours jamming to music, let’s do it. You want to drive and just talk, about everything, I am always here for it. You want to act like an idiot in public just for a good laugh with your best friend, yes please! I just miss having those friendships. I recently just had surgery and I seriously went 6 days with no one reaching out to see how I was, no one reaching out to see if I wanted company, no one talking to me at all. I know no one is obligated to do any of those things, but I wish I had friends who did do those things.

I am just tired of being lonely. I’m tried of feeling like I don’t really have anyone I can count on (let me exclude some of my family because they did check on me, this is more about people I don’t share blood with). Things like this are part of the reason I don’t let my guard down and I am afraid to open up.

Moving to Texas has been amazing, being with my mom again, not having to stress about the fact that I can’t afford bills and food, so I low key starve to death. The weather has been amazing, and so nice on my old arthritis bones. But it’s been a struggle to find friends, people I truly deeply connect with. Hopefully one day I will find my pack because I really could use a best friend.