Do you ever just feel like you are no body’s favorite person? Like you could die and of course people would be upset, but no one would lose a part of themselves when they lost you… I have just been feeling like I am no ones number one person. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends that I love and adore and they love and adore me (well I think they do), but sometimes I just get these thoughts that we are like truly alone in the world.
I struggle a lot with this feeling. This feeling like no one in the world really ever misses me when I am not around. It’s like this cloud that looms over me. I feel like people only ever tolerant me, but they don’t genuinely like me. I know it has a lot to do with my anxiety and feeling like everyone hates me. But like truly, I don’t feel like I am anyone’s favorite person.
Maybe it’s because everyone I am surrounded by has their person, whether it be their best friend or their significant other, but me… I don’t have anyone. I hate that these thoughts come to me at night. I am just out here trying to take a little snooze but I am bombarded by these feelings of extreme loneliness. I want to find my person in this world. My best friend, the person I share the world with. Whether that be a best friend who people truly think I am dating, or the man I one day hope to marry. I just hate the lonely feelings, the feelings that no one would miss me if I was gone.
I sometimes wonder if I have any affect on people’s lives. I always want to be a positive influence or affect, but I know as humans we can not please everyone and that’s okay. (Thank you 10 years of therapy for helping me with that conclusion). I hate to be all sappy and depressing, but the whole reason I created this blog was so I had a place to express myself. I wish there was a magic way to create meaningful relationships. I miss the close bonded friendships, the people you would call at 3 am because your life is a disaster and you need them (speaking about you JF if you are reading this).
I know a lot of these feelings are my own fault, I tend to isolate myself so I don’t get hurt because if bad relationships/friendships have taught me anything, it’s that nothing lasts forever. I know I have hurt people and created problems I didn’t need to have. I know my personal choices have negatively affected so many people. I know me being a home body who is afraid of everyone makes it difficult to connect to people. I just long for meaningful, down to the soul friendships.
I love those friendships where it’s truly a down for whatever pair. You want to drive for 3 hours jamming to music, let’s do it. You want to drive and just talk, about everything, I am always here for it. You want to act like an idiot in public just for a good laugh with your best friend, yes please! I just miss having those friendships. I recently just had surgery and I seriously went 6 days with no one reaching out to see how I was, no one reaching out to see if I wanted company, no one talking to me at all. I know no one is obligated to do any of those things, but I wish I had friends who did do those things.
I am just tired of being lonely. I’m tried of feeling like I don’t really have anyone I can count on (let me exclude some of my family because they did check on me, this is more about people I don’t share blood with). Things like this are part of the reason I don’t let my guard down and I am afraid to open up.
Moving to Texas has been amazing, being with my mom again, not having to stress about the fact that I can’t afford bills and food, so I low key starve to death. The weather has been amazing, and so nice on my old arthritis bones. But it’s been a struggle to find friends, people I truly deeply connect with. Hopefully one day I will find my pack because I really could use a best friend.