As many of you know, I have experienced an insane amount of trauma during my life. Some of which I know I have in common with a lot of people. So I really just wanted to express myself regarding some of the mental struggles I have been having the last few months.
I am struggling, big time. I am sad all the time. I feel like my depression just gets worse every single day. I hate doing anything. I hate going to work. I am always scared to leave my house. I crave relationships and friendships but I am too scared to get close to anyone because I know what people are capable of. I mean I’m carrying around this insane amount of trauma but I am way too afraid to let it go because I feel like it protects me, which I know probably sounds insane. But it’s like this blanket, this weight that reminds me what people can do to you if you get too close. I honestly don’t know who I am without it. I have been carrying around trauma for as long as I am remember. I remember being a child and feeling like I was shrinking to the size of an ant because that’s how big my father made me feel. I have been tormented by nightmares my entire life. One in particular that still haunts me to this day. My entire being is literally molded around trauma. I have lost all my good traits. I used to be so bubbly and outgoing. I was loud and obnoxious and I did not care if people didn’t like it. But trauma and pain broke me. I slowly turned into this shell of a person who can barely get out of bed in the mornings. I feel broken. I feel like I am useless and like I genuinely do not matter. I know these are just things I have been made to believe by the people I have surrounded myself with but it doesn’t change the fact that these are things I feel every day.
I honestly think surviving trauma has changed every part of me. I used to crave deep connections. I always wanted people to know everything about me, how I was feeling, things I have experienced. But now I throw all this trauma at people, blandly and emotionlessly telling people the horrible things I have experienced, but I REFUSE to let anyone know how it genuinely affects me. Which is funny because this entire blog is just be putting my raw and real emotions on display for the internet, but for some reason to me this just feels like a journal to vent and release all this pent up emotion. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how I have become the person I am. I hate who I am now. I hate how I look at life. I hate that I wake up every single day dreading what is to come. It’s like any positivity I had, is gone. I have no positive outlooks on life anymore. I am always just waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me. AND I HATE IT. I want to be a positive, bubbly person. I want to be a light to people. But I genuinely feel like when I walk into a room, not a single person there is happy to see me. I feel like this dark cloud that looms over everyone. Even though I truly do try to be better than that. I tell myself constantly that everything is okay. That it’s okay to be happy and be excited about the day, but then the depression hits and reminds me that every time I have been happy about something in the past, it has just destroyed me.
I just don’t know who I am anymore. I am this empty shell who wants so much, but I feel like I have this weight just constantly dragging me down. This weight constantly reminding me I can’t trust people. I can’t be myself because being myself results in things like sexual assault. I know energy is so important. I know that the energy you put out into the world is the energy you receive. It’s just sometimes, actually all the time, I don’t feel like I deserve anything positive or good. I think I blame myself for the things I have gone through, so sometimes I think my self conscious tries to rationalize by making me out to be the cause. Because honestly, it makes more sense that I am the reason all these bad things happen because I am the common denominator. How can it be other people causing all this pain, when I am the one present for every bad thing thats ever happened to me.
I know this entire post is just rambling and letting out my feelings. I just honestly feel like I am going to end up having a full on mental breakdown because I have all these thoughts and feelings pent up and not a single person to talk to about them. Every day is a challenge. I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one. I used to be surrounded by people all the time and ever since I moved to Texas I just feel so alone. And no shade to my friends here in Texas, I just feel like ever since my assault I have been this miserable person to be around. I even had my best friend, the girl I thought would stand next to me on my wedding day, tell me that my depression was too much for her to handle and that I was causing her mental health to be a disaster, and that she could no longer be around me because I was the cause of all this negative stuff for her. And it’s like ever since then I feel like this giant burden to every one in my life. I feel like I am this nuisance and cause of all this pain. I just feel like I have no one.
I don’t know when my life became what it is today, and I blame a lot of my current problems on my sexual assault in 2021. But then, because so many people have said this to me since then, I feel like it’s been enough time that I shouldn’t still be upset about it. I mean my ex boyfriend literally told me I need to stop talking about it, I needed to stop giving it attention and making it a bigger deal than it was. Which honestly made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to be upset about this awful thing that happened to me. I just genuinely think I attract the worst people. What kind of partner tells their significant other that this super traumatic thing that happened to them, they can’t/shouldn’t talk about because it’s just feeding into it. I honestly think this is part of the reason I don’t get close to people or let down my guard. It’s like I am simply to be seen and not heard.
I am just fucking tired. I am tired of being alive. I am tired of feeling this way every single day. I am tired of constantly fighting my own brain to get through each day. I genuinely feel like I checked out back in January of 2020 when I had fully planned a suicide. And then I lost one of my very best friends to suicide and saw the way that affected all the people who loved her and decided suicide wasn’t the answer to all my problems. But it really feels like I checked out then. I have had some really good times the last few years, but I just haven’t been the same since then. I haven’t been me. I haven’t been me in a really long time, and maybe this is just who I am now. Maybe I will never go back to being the person I was. I just don’t know. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I am doing. All I know is everyday feels like the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I feel miserably depressed every single day, and I genuinely do not know how I get through each day. I am just tired. I am a shell. I literally spend my time working and then coming home and curling into a ball and not moving.
My depression is so bad that if I do not have to leave my house, I am not showering, I am not brushing my hair, I am not brushing my teeth, I am doing nothing. I do not take care of myself. I seriously sit on my couch or in my bed and watch tiktok or play the sims. I literally only do mind numbing activities because trying to be present in my life right now is just not what I want. I want no part of reality. I just want something to shut off the intrusive thoughts and to distract myself from all the pain and torment that hovers over me at every moment of my life.
I know this post is long, and I know it’s probably got some people worried. So let me just clarify some things for anyone who may read this. I am not going to commit suicide, I would never give that pain to my loved ones. Matter is neither created nor destroyed. So all the hurt I feel everyday, would be multiplied and then given to the people who love me and I refuse to be the cause of hurt in someones life. Yes, I have major depressive disorder. I see a therapist and I am on medication. I was unfortunately triggered today after speaking to the detective working my SA case and it sent me into a downward spiral because I have a lot currently going on in my life. I just needed a space to express myself where I felt safe, because I do not feel safe expressing myself in person. I don’t trust people so writing in this blog is safe for me because I am technically not talking to anyone but simultaneously talking to everyone. If that makes any sense. I needed to get these things out because they are eating me alive. I am insanely depressed, incredibly lonely and I feel like I am a broken, disgusting unlovable (not just romantically) human whom people do not see any sort of value in. I lost myself, I lost every good thing about me the day that man raped me. It’s been a year and 6 months and I can still feel the weight of him on me. I still feel the pain every single day. I am not myself and I genuinely do not believe I will ever be myself again. Trauma changes you and I do not feel like I am worthy of human connection. I feel like a dirty, washed up dish rag that gets thrown out because there are too many holes. I am broken in every way except physically. So while this post is alarming and may make you think I am two second from suicide, just know that I love my family way too much to do that to them. And whatever friends I do have. I know one friend has lost a lot of people who meant the world to him and I refuse to be another tick on that list. Whether he feels the same way about me or not, I would never do that to him. So don’t worry about me killing myself, I won’t. I am simply here to get some things of my chest in a way that I feel safe doing so.