Surviving

As many of you know, I have experienced an insane amount of trauma during my life. Some of which I know I have in common with a lot of people. So I really just wanted to express myself regarding some of the mental struggles I have been having the last few months.

I am struggling, big time. I am sad all the time. I feel like my depression just gets worse every single day. I hate doing anything. I hate going to work. I am always scared to leave my house. I crave relationships and friendships but I am too scared to get close to anyone because I know what people are capable of. I mean I’m carrying around this insane amount of trauma but I am way too afraid to let it go because I feel like it protects me, which I know probably sounds insane. But it’s like this blanket, this weight that reminds me what people can do to you if you get too close. I honestly don’t know who I am without it. I have been carrying around trauma for as long as I am remember. I remember being a child and feeling like I was shrinking to the size of an ant because that’s how big my father made me feel. I have been tormented by nightmares my entire life. One in particular that still haunts me to this day. My entire being is literally molded around trauma. I have lost all my good traits. I used to be so bubbly and outgoing. I was loud and obnoxious and I did not care if people didn’t like it. But trauma and pain broke me. I slowly turned into this shell of a person who can barely get out of bed in the mornings. I feel broken. I feel like I am useless and like I genuinely do not matter. I know these are just things I have been made to believe by the people I have surrounded myself with but it doesn’t change the fact that these are things I feel every day.

I honestly think surviving trauma has changed every part of me. I used to crave deep connections. I always wanted people to know everything about me, how I was feeling, things I have experienced. But now I throw all this trauma at people, blandly and emotionlessly telling people the horrible things I have experienced, but I REFUSE to let anyone know how it genuinely affects me. Which is funny because this entire blog is just be putting my raw and real emotions on display for the internet, but for some reason to me this just feels like a journal to vent and release all this pent up emotion. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how I have become the person I am. I hate who I am now. I hate how I look at life. I hate that I wake up every single day dreading what is to come. It’s like any positivity I had, is gone. I have no positive outlooks on life anymore. I am always just waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me. AND I HATE IT. I want to be a positive, bubbly person. I want to be a light to people. But I genuinely feel like when I walk into a room, not a single person there is happy to see me. I feel like this dark cloud that looms over everyone. Even though I truly do try to be better than that. I tell myself constantly that everything is okay. That it’s okay to be happy and be excited about the day, but then the depression hits and reminds me that every time I have been happy about something in the past, it has just destroyed me.

I just don’t know who I am anymore. I am this empty shell who wants so much, but I feel like I have this weight just constantly dragging me down. This weight constantly reminding me I can’t trust people. I can’t be myself because being myself results in things like sexual assault. I know energy is so important. I know that the energy you put out into the world is the energy you receive. It’s just sometimes, actually all the time, I don’t feel like I deserve anything positive or good. I think I blame myself for the things I have gone through, so sometimes I think my self conscious tries to rationalize by making me out to be the cause. Because honestly, it makes more sense that I am the reason all these bad things happen because I am the common denominator. How can it be other people causing all this pain, when I am the one present for every bad thing thats ever happened to me.

I know this entire post is just rambling and letting out my feelings. I just honestly feel like I am going to end up having a full on mental breakdown because I have all these thoughts and feelings pent up and not a single person to talk to about them. Every day is a challenge. I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one. I used to be surrounded by people all the time and ever since I moved to Texas I just feel so alone. And no shade to my friends here in Texas, I just feel like ever since my assault I have been this miserable person to be around. I even had my best friend, the girl I thought would stand next to me on my wedding day, tell me that my depression was too much for her to handle and that I was causing her mental health to be a disaster, and that she could no longer be around me because I was the cause of all this negative stuff for her. And it’s like ever since then I feel like this giant burden to every one in my life. I feel like I am this nuisance and cause of all this pain. I just feel like I have no one.

I don’t know when my life became what it is today, and I blame a lot of my current problems on my sexual assault in 2021. But then, because so many people have said this to me since then, I feel like it’s been enough time that I shouldn’t still be upset about it. I mean my ex boyfriend literally told me I need to stop talking about it, I needed to stop giving it attention and making it a bigger deal than it was. Which honestly made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to be upset about this awful thing that happened to me. I just genuinely think I attract the worst people. What kind of partner tells their significant other that this super traumatic thing that happened to them, they can’t/shouldn’t talk about because it’s just feeding into it. I honestly think this is part of the reason I don’t get close to people or let down my guard. It’s like I am simply to be seen and not heard.

I am just fucking tired. I am tired of being alive. I am tired of feeling this way every single day. I am tired of constantly fighting my own brain to get through each day. I genuinely feel like I checked out back in January of 2020 when I had fully planned a suicide. And then I lost one of my very best friends to suicide and saw the way that affected all the people who loved her and decided suicide wasn’t the answer to all my problems. But it really feels like I checked out then. I have had some really good times the last few years, but I just haven’t been the same since then. I haven’t been me. I haven’t been me in a really long time, and maybe this is just who I am now. Maybe I will never go back to being the person I was. I just don’t know. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I am doing. All I know is everyday feels like the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I feel miserably depressed every single day, and I genuinely do not know how I get through each day. I am just tired. I am a shell. I literally spend my time working and then coming home and curling into a ball and not moving.

My depression is so bad that if I do not have to leave my house, I am not showering, I am not brushing my hair, I am not brushing my teeth, I am doing nothing. I do not take care of myself. I seriously sit on my couch or in my bed and watch tiktok or play the sims. I literally only do mind numbing activities because trying to be present in my life right now is just not what I want. I want no part of reality. I just want something to shut off the intrusive thoughts and to distract myself from all the pain and torment that hovers over me at every moment of my life.

I know this post is long, and I know it’s probably got some people worried. So let me just clarify some things for anyone who may read this. I am not going to commit suicide, I would never give that pain to my loved ones. Matter is neither created nor destroyed. So all the hurt I feel everyday, would be multiplied and then given to the people who love me and I refuse to be the cause of hurt in someones life. Yes, I have major depressive disorder. I see a therapist and I am on medication. I was unfortunately triggered today after speaking to the detective working my SA case and it sent me into a downward spiral because I have a lot currently going on in my life. I just needed a space to express myself where I felt safe, because I do not feel safe expressing myself in person. I don’t trust people so writing in this blog is safe for me because I am technically not talking to anyone but simultaneously talking to everyone. If that makes any sense. I needed to get these things out because they are eating me alive. I am insanely depressed, incredibly lonely and I feel like I am a broken, disgusting unlovable (not just romantically) human whom people do not see any sort of value in. I lost myself, I lost every good thing about me the day that man raped me. It’s been a year and 6 months and I can still feel the weight of him on me. I still feel the pain every single day. I am not myself and I genuinely do not believe I will ever be myself again. Trauma changes you and I do not feel like I am worthy of human connection. I feel like a dirty, washed up dish rag that gets thrown out because there are too many holes. I am broken in every way except physically. So while this post is alarming and may make you think I am two second from suicide, just know that I love my family way too much to do that to them. And whatever friends I do have. I know one friend has lost a lot of people who meant the world to him and I refuse to be another tick on that list. Whether he feels the same way about me or not, I would never do that to him. So don’t worry about me killing myself, I won’t. I am simply here to get some things of my chest in a way that I feel safe doing so.

Living in Constant Pain

Hi everyone, I know I am awful at keeping up with this blog, school and life have just gotten in the way. But I’m back with a little rant because I am who I am and I just need to vent. Also let me add, I’m not posting this for sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me, I’m posting this because I need to vent and I want people to understand how chronic pain sufferers feel. It’s a constant battle. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Chronic pain wears you down. It eats away at you little by little. I know to some people it may seem like I’m being dramatic, but chronic pain is different for everyone. Some people can push through the pain. I normally can too. But it slowly builds up because I don’t slow down and take care of myself and I end up in a severe depression because I am in so much pain I can’t do anything. So I get mad and then I get depressed because I feel like I’m useless. Like I am just ruining everyone’s lives around me. I have these constant thoughts that if I’m not putting my all into everything I do then I am a failure. If I don’t live up the expectations I’ve set for myself or the expectations I think other people have set for me, I lose myself to the emotions.

All of this though, is connected to pain. Pain takes away everything in your life. And trying to explain how it feels to someone who doesn’t have severe, excruciating pain for literally no reason, is so hard. Because how can you explain to people that you woke up and 90% of the joints if your body are stiff and swollen, and you can’t even get out of bed or off the couch because you know taking just one single step to get up is going to be more painful than anything you’ve experienced.

I’m in the phase of my chronic pain where I’m exhausted and absolutely hate my body. I’m so frustrated with the amount of pain I’ve been in lately. It’s affecting every part of my life. I’m missing work (disappointing all my bosses and managers I’m sure), accumulating points to where I could possibly get fired because my body can’t keep it together. And of course, constantly walking or moving is damn near impossible. And with school, I’m struggling to get energy to study because the pain is so bad it literally just takes everything out of me. And because of that, I feel like I’m going to fail my EMT course. I just feel like this huge disappointment to everyone around me. Like I’m letting everyone down…

I’m also angry. Angry that medicine I’ve been on for years can just randomly stop working and send me into a horrendous flare up. Angry because I hate feeling like I am not good enough. Angry because I feel like my chronic pain illnesses scare everyone away. It’s fucking miserable. It’s a actual living nightmare. Feeling like I’m not living to my full potential because my own body is destroying itself…

I’m just so tired of feeling like a failure and a burden. I just want a normal body, a body that is healthy and doesn’t get in the way of my life. I’ve been struggling with chronic pain since I was 11. I normally laugh and make jokes about it because self depreciation is how I handle bad things, but now I’m just fucking done. I’m exhausted. I’m depressed. I miss the days where the pain was only a small thing I had to deal with. But here I am laying in bed, unable to sleep because I can’t get comfortable enough due to the agonizing pain. All I really want is to be able to wake up and not have to plan my day around how much pain I’m in. Deciding whether to cook or shower because I can’t do both. The spoon theory is the best thing to explain what I mean if you’re curious. It basically breaks things down. Like you start every single day with 10 spoons, but each activity costs more spoons. So as you’re doing things through out the day you’re using spoons. Now people without chronic pain would just find more spoons. But for people suffering day in and day out, we have to decide what to spend our daily spoons on, and if we use too much many on a particular day we just borrow from the next day. But eventually all the spoons run out. Eventually this is no spoon to borrow from your neighbors. That’s when you’re left with the severe pain and no way to control it because you continued to push yourself beyond your limits even when you knew you shouldn’t. When the spoons are gone, life because unbearable.

I honestly just hate being in a body that always feels broken. Not only am I in physical pain, but emotional too. Dealing with pain day in and day out messes with your mind. I’m getting depressed because I feel like I’m not living up to peoples expectations of me. I feel like I’m letting everyone down because I’m not able to be 100% me. I feel guilty about cancelling things or calling off work because I know people will look at me, not be able to see how badly my insides hurt, and judge me. I’ve been called lazy, and people have told me it’s really not as bad as I’m making it out to be. I’ve had people be rude to me and treat me like garbage because of something I can not control.

Being in pain is exhausting. But I think it’s the combination of pain and how people treat me, and also how I treat myself. I know I have to take care of my body, we only get one after all. But the expectations that this society has set makes me feel like a bad person if I’m taking time to let my body rest. I’m just tired…

Sorry the vent was so long, I just needed to express how upset I am right now.

Life after Trauma

Hi guys, I know it’s been awhile and I kind of left you with a very emotional and depressing last post. I wanted to give you guys an update on how I am doing. I am really bad about opening up about the deep emotions and feelings I have about this assault, or really anything, to my friends and family in real life, so I figured writing a blog post where I can’t see people’s reactions might be better. And we all know this blog is my safe space and my place to just let all my emotions out. I am going to start with the super deep stuff first and then I will give you guys the random gossip updates so I don’t leave you with my bad juju.

Let me start by saying since my last post I haven’t improved a whole lot. I am in a state of denial, not about what happened, but about my feelings toward the situation. I am constantly trying to stay strong and not let this traumatic ass situation get to me. I make morbid jokes about it and I am constantly putting on this brave face to the world. I will talk about it, but I try to avoid the feelings behind it. I will acknowledge it, so I say it happened, but I avoid letting anyone see just how much it affects me. I don’t think people in my life really know how much this is messing with me every single day. So I am just gonna lay it all out in this post.

I am not okay. I know to people who see me everyday, I may seem like I am doing so much better, but I am not. I am really, really good at hiding how I am feeling. I can cover up all the negative emotions because that is how I have learned to cope. But the truth is, I am not okay. I am struggling every single day. Anytime I don’t have work, or school, or a doctor’s appointment, I am sleeping. I am avoiding. I am still having nightmares almost every night. I am still struggling with the feeling that something bad is going to happen so I am constantly looking over my shoulder. I have been lying to myself for weeks, but I am majorly depressed. I can’t seem to find pure joy much anymore. Work has become my outlet because being with my friends and dealing with the chaos of a busy ER lets me escape the difficult emotions I am faced with every day. But work is just another distraction from the emotions I continue to suppress.

I try really, really hard to handle my shit. I just have this habit of suppressing my emotions because it’s easier than dealing with them. I find ways to turn my trauma into humor but that too is just a cover for how I am really feeling. I don’t know how this became my coping mechanism but it did. The years of abuse I endured as a child, the abuse I settled for in my relationships as an adult and now the trauma of another sexual assault, you can see why avoiding seems easier. I am not okay.

I don’t know when hiding became my normal. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like a burden to those around me, which I think plays a huge part in the way I am handling things. Because I am a talker, I have to talk things out in order to understand them. But I have maybe 4 people I can talk too about the way I am feeling and I know at some point listening to me try to process these things has to get annoying. So I just stop talking about the deep things that are bothering me and in turn stop acknowledging them. Instead, I just let them sit inside me and fester. I am not okay. And I want to express these things to my friends and family but I just feel like people are tired of listening to me stress about the same things over and over. I trust these people with my whole heart, but I feel like I am always so focused on my problems. I start to feel like people don’t want to talk to me because I focus on myself so much that I am not a good friend to them.

This post is seriously all over the place, but this is my brain lately. This is what I am going through every single day. I am emotionally exhausted. I feel like a bad friend. I feel like my friends don’t want to talk to me anymore. I feel like I am not being a good friend to them. I am just not okay. I can’t figure out how to express it. I am sad, I’m angry, I’m hurt, and I am exhausted from feeling all these emotions all the time. I want to be the person I was before this trauma. I want to be the friend I was before this trauma. I want to feel like I am not just a ball of depression. And I know, I know no one in my circle actually dislikes me, or thinks I am a burden. I know I am just projecting my feelings onto others, but when you are this depressed (I am sure many of you know) it feels like everyone you are close to is silently annoyed with you and it feels insanely isolating. It’s hard to remind myself that I have incredible people supporting me. I have amazing friends, I have an amazing family and I have an amazing boyfriend. I know, what a shock about the boyfriend right?

Even though I feel these things about my support system, me feeling like I am a burden to them, I know they don’t feel that way. I seriously have the best group of people helping me through all of this. I have my three best friends, K, M and L (not putting their entire names, in case they don’t want me to talk about them) whom have been absolutely incredible. I love you guys more than I can ever explain. You guys have dealt with my mood swings, the unnecessary drama surrounding my personal life and not once did you guys stop listening, even when I was venting about the same thing for days at a time. You guys have stuck by me through some really tough shit and I know you guys have my back through it all. I also have my incredible momma, who has been a saint helping me navigate everything I am going through. She has been my rock through every single trauma I have endured in this life. She has supported me even when she didn’t agree with the choices I was making. She stood by me during the hardest and most traumatic moment in my life. And she will be with me during the trial, if my case ever goes that far. And lastly, I have a fantastic boyfriend. That’s a story for another day though.

I know this post has been a bit of a mess, but I wanted to update everyone who follows this blog on how things are going since the last post. While things aren’t going great, I do feel like a change is coming. I don’t know if that’s because I have started therapy or because things are finally going to change for the better. I just want everyone who follows this to know that even when things are dark and it feels like there is absolutely no hope left, there will always be something to hold on too. Whether thats family, friends, a pet (my animals have saved me so many times from letting the darkness win), just find something to hold on too. Even when it feels like everything is ruined, like life is never going to get better, there is always a reason to continue.

I tell myself all the time, even if it has to be minute by minute or hour by hour, each minute or hour passed is another minute or hour worth living. I am seriously getting by on the motto of one day at a time because one day is all I have to give right now.

I love you guys so much. Everyone who takes the time to read these diary like posts and give me kind words of strength, you guys are incredible. I am so appreciative of my tiny little community I have created here.

To be continued,

Reba G.

Handling Trauma

Hi, it’s me again. Back with another post about my emotions. Yuck, right? I wanted to talk about trauma. What it’s like living with it, how it affects me in any kind of relationship and how it affects me in general.

I went through a lot as a kid. Things my mom didn’t know about because if she did, I assume my father wouldn’t be alive. I suffered tremendously as a child. I always felt like an outcast. Like no matter what I did, no one cared about me or loved me. Which makes sense why my depression always comes out as feeling alone. I went through things that I still do this day have a hard time opening up about because the second I do, it truly feels like everything changes with whatever person I confided in. Which again, makes me feel alone. It’s just insane to me, how something that happened as a kid can still have such a profound affect on someone. And how two people can go through the exact same trauma and come out completely different.

So I guess in order not to fell so alone, I am going to tell all of you. Since you guys already get deep in my mind with me. I was sexually assaulted as a kid, by someone in my family. Before you ask, no I don’t remember it all. I have bits and pieces that I get flash backs of, but I think my brain blocked those memories for me. However, I still get the touch flashbacks. So if someone touches me and I don’t see it coming, I can end up in a full blown panic attack. I still get all of the sensory flashbacks I guess, because sometimes I will just be minding my own business and I feel so scared, like something is happening to me even though I am perfectly safe. I also have this reoccurring nightmare that I am running away from someone who had me locked in a trailer. I never get away though and then I wake up. I have so many issues because of this. It feels lonely and causes major depressive episodes. The last two have been so bad I have literally planned my suicide, but don’t worry I have too many things keeping me on this earth to actually go through with it. So please don’t have me committed. Then add in my emotional trauma from literally every relationship I have ever been in. Never feeling good enough, always feeling like there is someone else who is better (and that’s always been the case, so it’s a solid reason to feel that way). I’ve never been able to have a good and successful relationship, and I know that’s partially my fault for being naive and believing everything people tell me. I just so badly want to believe that someone wants to love me. I want to believe that people have good intentions. I want to believe that people care about me. I want to believe that I am not going to end up alone forever. But I am starting to think that’s my fate. Being sad and alone for the rest of my life. I always end up getting back to a good place but then I always come back to this. I don’t know it sucks. And add in all this trauma on top of it. I am like a ticking time bomb.

Living everyday with these thoughts in my brain has destroyed me. I feel like I am so broken. I feel like everyday lately is reliving this trauma. Trying to deal with how much I hate myself, how broken I feel, how worthless I feel. I don’t think people realize when they first meet me that I am so shattered, my self esteem is gone. I had a man leave me because I was sick. I had another man lie to me for 6 months of our relationship about where he was and what he was doing. I apparently can only attract losers. I’ve never had a healthy relationship which my therapist told me definitely has to do with what i’ve been through. Because I didn’t just experience sexual assault as a kid, I experienced it again at 13, in the most abusive relationship I have ever experienced. It was brutal. I don’t think I can ever put into words how much that relationship set the stage for me as an adult. That was definitely the turning point in my life. I mean my entire life has been a shit show let’s be honest. And I have people telling me constantly that I am so strong and they don’t know how I do it. That’s a great question, I don’t know either. But I am tired of being strong. I am tired of having to pull my shit together so I don’t look like the crazy one. I am tired, of fighting everyday to be this positive person in the world. I want to be as rude and evil as people have been to me. I want to be able to be a dick and then gaslight the fuck out of people to make it their fault and then call it communication. I want to be an awful person too. But I chose to take my trauma and do everything opposite of what people did to me. I chose to find a way to be a light every single day. But now I don’t know why. I don’t understand it. Why I chose to be better and I am still crying myself to sleep everyday. It doesn’t seem very fair.

Trauma will fuck you 5 ways to Sunday. I can tell you that much. It’ll have you holding on to things that are destroying you because the ideas of not being good enough stay trapped in your head. I stay loyal to people who aren’t loyal to me, and I don’t just mean romantic partners. I mean friends. I will go out of my way for the people in my life but here I am two weeks deep in an all consuming depression and let me tell you how many people have reached out to check on me, people that I speak to everyday… one. One person, and it’s still only someone I talk to occasionally. How sad is that? And then trauma makes it worse because it tells me that I am willing to drop everything for the people I care about and I could die tomorrow and no one would care. The people I spend the most time talking to are the ones my brain says, they don’t care, they won’t care, they are likely to be the least affected if I die. But then they’d be the people who wished they had more time with me while I was alive. That is what trauma does to you. It makes you believe these things. It screws with how you view the world. And it’s even harder to explain that to people. But my brain literally tells me if I die, no one would care. My brain tells me that I matter to no one. That I am more of an annoyance than I am anything else. I constantly tear myself down, and I start to believe everything the trauma has taught me. And the day I believe it for real, is a day I don’t want to live to see.

Dealing with trauma means waking up everyday and trying to fight what your brain is telling you. It’s waking up everyday and trying to see the light in the world. It’s waking up everyday and choosing to believe that everything happens for a reason. But there comes a period of time where no matter how much you try or how hard you work to believe anything positive, the darkness sucks you in. It doesn’t even have to happen all that often, but when it does, it’s hard to get out of. And everyone has a different trigger for what brings on that darkness. Mine is feeling unwanted. Because my entire life all I have ever wanted was to feel wanted, to feel completely loved, to feel like I wasn’t a burden to everyones lives, to feel like my life mattered to people. But I still have those moments when something or someone will make me feel like I am nothing but a burden to the world. Where nothing I do matters because if their eyes I am worthless. And it could be something so insignificant to other people but for me it is the end of the world. Once I am in this darkness, there is no coming out of it on my own. I feel like it takes an army to get back to being happy. When the darkness takes over, man, it really just takes over. Everything becomes the hardest task I have ever done. The sun doesn’t seem so bright, the flowers don’t seem as pretty and the animals don’t seem so happy. The world just becomes dull. The best way I can describe it is in Halloweentown, when things are all bright and colorful and then the color gets drained out of everything and it gets sad and gray. Well right now my life seems sad and gray.

This is trauma. C-PTSD. Living life in a constant rollercoaster of ups but then very low low low downs. It’s crazy, how this disorder literally rearranges your brain. How it takes things that shouldn’t be an issue and makes them sad, and depressing. How it takes one wrong word in a text or one wrong tone in someones voice to be completely lost for weeks. And even when I try to fight it, and I try to be better than it. It doesn’t help, I still sit on my own and cry myself to sleep every night. What kind of life is that?

Inside my Mind

Do you ever just feel like life is playing a sick joke on you? Because right now I do. Obviously we are aware I’ve been in a very bad mental space lately. It’s even worse now because I’m pretty sure the universe enjoys fucking with me.

One of my life long dreams has been to be a nurse. I originally started college and got into a nursing program but my school shut down. Because of this, none of my credits transferred to a 4 year university and I was stuck restarting everything. I got so overwhelmed that I eventually changed my major to Psych. Don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely fascinated with psychology. I read journals all the time. But my heart wasn’t fully in it. I wasted 3 years taking classes for that and then when the pandemic hit I took a step back and really thought about my life. This made me realize being a nurse is all I’ve ever wanted.

So I started working towards that goal last year, working my little butt off so I could get into the program. But today I took the entrance exam and failed on section of the exam so badly that I now can’t even apply for the program. It absolutely shattered me. I felt my entire dream shatter. I’ve never felt so low or broken in my entire life. I felt like I had just lost everything I’ve been working for. I mean at this point it’s like why am I even alive? Am I here just to be tortured by the universe?

And on top of all of that, I’ve had a new health issue pop up and it’s scaring me. No one knows what’s going on or why it’s happening, so I’m about to go through a full work up and I’m not even sure I want the answer.

I’m just so depressed. I can’t even explain it. It’s like something switched in my brain and now all I see if negative. All I see is sad. All I see is pain. All I feel is alone. Even though I have people, my brain still tells me people are just putting up with me. I can’t seem to figure out what’s going on in my brain. I can’t figure out why I can’t be happy. It’s like all the joy and love was sucked out of my body.

One of the biggest things is the fact that I feel like I drop every thing for the people I care about, I will drive to them in the middle of the night to make sure they are okay. I will call off work to be with my people when they need me. But I don’t feel like a single person in my life would do that for me. I’ve been depressed for the last week or so and I feel like no one cares. No one has made any effort to be there. Even people I talk too all day long seem annoyed or bothered when I want to talk about how I’m feeling. I’ve always been told to treat people how you want to be treated. But sometimes I feel like I do way to much for people. And it sucks because I never want to stop supporting and loving my humans, but at the same time no one does it for me so why should I do it for them?

I just want to feel like I matter. I just want to be loved. I just want to be happy again.

Living with Mental Illness

I’m back. Ready to talk about more deep things since I can’t sleep. So hi everyone 🥲

Trigger warning: I am going to be talking about mental health and suicidal ideation, so if that is a trigger for you, please just skip this post. I completely understand and I love you regardless.

Here goes. I have been struggling hard the last few days. My depression reared it’s ugly head and it’s more severe than it’s been since January of 2020. I keep feeling like it’d be easier to be dead than deal with how sad and hopeless I feel. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything to hurt myself, that’s just how I feel in this moment. I don’t know what triggered the depression, but it’s so bad. I am getting upset and crying over things that shouldn’t upset someone. I don’t want to eat. I can’t sleep. And I just feel alone.

Obviously there is a theme here with good ol’ Reebs. I always feel alone. I could be in a room full of people and I would never feel seen, I’d feel invisible and like an outsider. I don’t feel like I’m anyone’s favorite person, I don’t feel like I matter to anyone really and I definitely don’t feel like I’d be missed if I was gone. Which logically I know (well I hope) is not true. But I have such a hard time breaking out of these super depressive episodes. It typically takes awhile and a few mental breakdowns to get back to a place where I feel good.

My health anxiety is super bad right now too. I’m worried about everything. I mean, obviously you can’t have depression without her best friend anxiety too. But this feeling like I’m going to die with every little pain is terrifying. It’s like constantly being told that every thing you feel in your body is a disease that is going to kill you. It’s awful. I feel broken enough, and having my brain tell me tiny marks on my body are some crazy illness, or doctors are going to find cancer if I go just for a check up, it’s driving me crazy. I’m terrified all the time. My heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest because I’ve had an on going panic attack since like 6 pm on Friday. We are now at 2 am on Tuesday… this feeling is miserable. And nothing I do seems to help. Add in the sensory over load and insane irritability that I’m trying my hardest to control, even though every little thing is setting me off… I just want to be normal. Not to mention, I’m dealing with flash backs and feelings of intense fear, which is how I felt when I was working through my C-PTSD.

And the absolute worst part of it all is I don’t feel like anyone understands how I’m feeling. I had two of my best friends help me out today, if either of you read this (Kay bug and Jordo) I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do for me. But even with those friends by my side, I feel so alone.

I don’t feel like a normal human. I feel broken. I feel like I won’t ever find love. I feel like every step I’m taking to further my career is all for nothing. I feel like nothing I do is right. I feel like I’m upsetting every person in my life. My body dysmorphia is also out here making me feel like every part of me is ugly. I just don’t feel happy. The only emotions I feel like I can feel right now are anger and despair. I feel so incredibly hopeless. I don’t feel like I’m doing a damn thing in my life the way I’m supposed to be doing it.

These feelings are taking over. And I know, I know it’s all just how my brain is hardwired and once it runs it’s course I will be fine. But in the moment I’m writing this, I just don’t feel like I want to be alive. Or if I am alive, I just want to lay in my bed and cry. What I really want is people to come snuggle with me and just be in my silence, but I know this isn’t logical because it’s not someone else’s depression and I wouldn’t ask a single person to share those feelings with me. Another thing, dealing with mental illness isn’t for the weak, although it makes us feel weak. I know deep down I am so strong. I have overcome so many obstacles that would have destroyed someone else. I’ve pushed through every hardship because I know in the end it will be worth it. So why, right now, am I feeling like the weakest, foulest human on plant earth.

Obviously you guys know, I struggle the most with the sense of being alone. Normally it doesn’t bother me, because I love just napping on my couch with my pets. But then I get like this and I just feel so isolated. I posted a damn video of me crying that over 40 people saw and not a single person reached out to me. And before you say anything, no I wasn’t doing it to get a response or attention, I genuinely just wanted to post the story of the toads. But seeing that many people knowing I’m struggling and not a single person just saying they understand or they were here, just further validated that I am alone.

I wanna say good news just to be the self deprecating bitch I am. This time around my depression is making me feel like I haven’t made a single meaningful connection to anyone. It’s making me feel like I’m failing at trying to better my life. It’s making me feel dumb because I can’t concentrate on anything. It’s making me feel lazy, because I feel fat. It’s just making me feel awful. I don’t know why this time is so bad. I couldn’t tell you what it is that’s bothering me. All I know is I feel lost. I feel like I’ve lost myself again. I don’t feel like I can connect with the happy me anymore. I know I will, don’t worry. I just don’t feel any sort of happiness right now. all I really want right now is support, and I don’t really feel like I have it. Even though I have my select few people whom I love with my entire heart. I still don’t feel happy.

I am so sad. I am exhausted. I’m struggling to achieve my goals. I just don’t feel like me. And I don’t know how to fix it.

Let’s Get Real for a Second

Hi everyone! I know, I’ve been MIA for a very long time. Let me just say I was out here trying to make a super fun return post, something exciting. But mentally I am struggling. So this post isn’t really going to be about any one thing, really just a post for me to word vomit some of my feelings (because I’m pretty sure I’d scare all my friends with the way I’m feeling right now) So, let me give you a quick update.

I turned 25 in March. Had a pretty juicy mental break down, because why not right? Everyone loves a good ✨ quarter life crisis ✨And I decided I needed to do something with my life. I needed to find a purpose. So I decided I’m going back to nursing school. I haven’t been accepted into any programs, but I’m working my little booty off trying to get there. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to help people, to support people on their worst days, to make an impact. And since I currently have not been accepted into a nursing program, but I want to do something I feel is important one of my best friend’s kind of, in a way, lead me to take a phlebotomy course (he told me to go for it when I asked his opinion so I hit pay, shout out to you my sweet Angel goat) and I’m now a certified phlebotomist in the state of Texas, YAY. Not currently working as a phlebotomist unfortunately, but things could change. However, once the dust settled and I was no longer crazy busy with school, depression set in.

I am in a pretty bad mental headspace right now. Like I have zero idea what I’m doing with my life and kind of feel like I have nothing going for me. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this since you know, depression is out here ruining lives, but I’m so down. I’m doing all these things trying to better my life and I feel like I’m only going backwards. It hit me like a truck, one day I’m out here happy as all get out. The next I can’t even get off my couch to shower because I don’t feel like there is a point. And the worst part, even though I know I have people who care, I can’t reach out to anyone and express these feelings. I feel like my problems don’t need to be someone else’s. I don’t want to scare people away with these thoughts of just feeling, being lost. I try to be this happy, bubbly person because the world needs more of that. But I know people can see through it. My sadness comes out in rage. My irritability comes out as isolation. So I don’t reach out, only making the loneliness worse.

When I say I’m lonely, I’m not talking like just feeling mildly lonely. I mean so lonely that I truly believe there wouldn’t be a single person on this planet who would care if I was gone. And I know this is not correct, I know I have friends and family who would be devastated. I know I have people who are there for me and have my back no matter what I need. But I also feel like I have no one because my depression is a slow form of torture that drains every ounce of joy from my life. It genuinely makes me feel like there isn’t any one person in this world who would be completely devastated if I was gone. I know this is a false narrative created by my bad mental state, which makes it worse because I know it’s completely irrational. My depression is isolation and my anxiety is the door standing between me and anyone I care about. Deb (depressions name) isolates me from everyone. She’s like a bad abusive relationship. And Ann (my anxiety) is voice telling me that Deb is the only person who will love me and accept me. It’s truly like a mentally abusive relationship. And I sometimes think my past trauma is the reason my depression is like this, I think the traumas I endured as a kid created these version of my mental illnesses.

Quick commercial break. I don’t have DID, I just had a therapist who had me name my illnesses to separate them from myself to make it easier to identify when they showed up instead of assuming it’s my own thoughts. Back to the regularly scheduled program.

Deb destroys every shred of self confidence I have and wears me down so much that I literally isolate. I do nothing. I ignore people. And while I know this is all due to the chemical imbalance inside my noggin, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s very real to me. Ann isn’t much better, she keeps the door closed and locked so even if the answer was on the other side, Ann guards my escape from Deb. It takes someone literally breaking in when it gets this bad for me to get out of it. I know a lot of it is my fault, well not my fault per say, but the fault of my brain and trauma. I have walls up, I’m dealing with trauma from my childhood every day. So I know, I know that I am part of the problem. It’s just hard. It’s hard to admit and recognize what you’re doing. It’s hard to say that this isn’t real, because it feels so real. It feels like I’m suffocating. Like the air I breath is just a constant stream of negative statements about me, but I can’t escape them because I need that air to survive. Deb tells me constantly how people just tolerate me. She tells me that the people who I care for the most, are the ones behind the scene not thinking about me for a second. It all just leads to this never ending cycle of someone breaking down that door, and then leaving only so deb and Ann can once again take their places and destroy every shred of confidence I have.

Opening up to people and trying to explain the way I’m feeling is hard, it’s probably the hardest thing I battle on a daily basis. I feel like people get scared and don’t want to deal with these deep thoughts and emotions I’m having, like they aren’t really interested and wouldn’t be bothered if I was no longer around. The best way I can explain it is I feel like an after thought friend. Like I’m someone people come too when all their other options are exhausted. You can talk to anyone who knows me, they call me a hermit. Deb just wears me down. She wears down every shred of my being. I’ve been over here for days trying to find a creative outlet, trying to find something I can do that I’m passionate about. Trying to find something that lets me express the way I’m feeling but in a beautiful way. Art, music, writing. All these things are creative outlets to feel what other people are feeling. But that no matter what I do, it doesn’t feel this hole of just lonely. It doesn’t feel this hole that I mean nothing to no one. But I guess trying is something right? I write songs, I try to think of creative new outlets (fashion, makeup, nails). I try, and I know that’s a big step. But I still feel this weight of suffocation and isolation.

It’s not all bad either. I put myself out there and I try to make genuine connections, but I’m so afraid of being hurt, of being abandoned that when I feel myself attaching to people I back away. Even people I’ve known for years. There is one person in my life whom I love more than any human being I’ve ever met, and even this person I feel like I can not talk about these deep feelings with. Even though he’s known me for years, we’ve been through so much together, and he’s ALWAYS had my back no matter what life throws my way, I feel like he’d get scared at the awful thoughts in my brain. Even though I know he won’t, (love you if you’re reading this). He understands me in a way no one else really does. But Deb and Ann sit by that door and tell me he’s going to run if I talk to him about this. And as my longest friendship, losing him would devastate my soul. So I try to keep things surface, which isn’t good either. This is something I do with everyone. Anytime I try to get deep, I stop myself.

The really sad thing is, I’m like this with all good things in my life too. It’s not just personal connections. I am so afraid of failure and rejection that instead of going full out on anything, I quit before I even really try. I tell myself I enjoy being alone, I enjoy just existing, I enjoy being an ordinary person. And that’s totally fine, ordinary is still amazing. But that’s so far from the truth of who I am. I want to make an impact. I want to have a solid purpose in this world. I want to do amazing things, I wanna save lives. But here I am at 3 am on a Friday night and all I can think about is I’m alone.

Childhood trauma has this way of sticking with you forever. It’s like the person who abused you is always over your shoulder. They are always there making everything you do about them. The worst part is when you have a tattoo matching them, a tattoo that truly is so special to you, but matches the person who broke your entire spirit.

I guess I’m just sad. I mean obviously it’s more than sad, this is a legit mental illness that does kill people. But I’m lost. I’m not sure what path I’m on. I feel alone. But a weird sense of alone. It’s so hard to explain something so complex without feeling like I’m dramatic. Which I am for the record but I think it’s a defense thing.

I don’t know, I guess there was no real purpose for this post. More just a little diary for me to explain the things going through my mind. We can’t all be perfect all the time. I’m struggling, I’m mentally just done. But I saw a tiktok and this lady said, “just try one more time”, so I’m just going to try. One more time.

Finding Happiness

I am struggling a little lately. I’ve been super down in the dumps, just feeling really sad which is a thing that happens. But I can’t figure out why. I feel very isolated, very alone. Just not my happy spunky self. I’ve gotten to that place where I’m once again questioning what my purpose is. I feel like I’m just stuck. I know life is a constant cycle of ups and downs, but I hate when my downs are really low and I don’t have a reason.

I’m struggling with how alone I feel. Like I know I have good people in my life but I’m still constantly feeling like I have no one. It’s like I have this dark stormy cloud looming over me. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I’m completely alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for being by myself, I honestly prefer it most days. I’d rather be by myself and content than with people and constantly being hurt. Which obviously comes from trauma, but still, I sometimes just get this overwhelming feeling that I’m alone. I feel like I’m alone in everything I do.

I have such a hard time believing people have good intentions, so I tend to shy away from getting close to people. Which is low key super depressing because I love being with the people I love. I am a complicated mess of a human who likes to be alone but also enjoys being the life of the party. It’s just when the feeling of being alone becomes overwhelming.

I know I have so many people in my life that I could talk too about what I’m feeling, I know I can be open and honest with them. I know that no one would judge me, and they’d be there to listen. But my brain tells me otherwise. It’s exhausting. I feel like I’m constantly hiding this super depressing side of myself. It’s hard to stay on top of the feelings, but I always feel like everyone is just walking out and leaving.

I don’t really have a point to this post. I just needed a place to express the way I’m feeling. I’m super lonely and my heart is struggling right now. I crave good, genuine human connection but I’m tired, exhausted, by the countless times I’ve been let down by those closest to me. I wish there was an easy fix to all of this. I know these feelings are only temporary but it honestly feels like the bad feelings last infinitely longer than the good. 😔

Getting Comfortable

I think one of the things that can be so difficult to overcome is getting comfortable. I mean in any aspect of life. It could be with your job, with your friends, with relationships or even just life overall. I feel like getting too comfortable stops anyone from growing because you don’t want to leave that zone.

My main issue is I’m so comfortable being alone, and so content just being with myself that I do not put myself out there. I don’t make new friends. Anytime I’m interested in a guy I just become so checked out because I like my little bubble. I like being home. And I like knowing what’s happening in my life.

I’m sure for me it stems from years of just heart break after heart break. Even in my friendships. I’ve had so many friends that just walked out of my life. I totally understand just not clicking with someone, but these were people I was so close too and they just left. I’ve had men absolutely destroy every part of me that I loved. One even used my chronic illness against me which promptly made me stop getting close to men.

But even 3 years later, I refuse to put myself out there for dates or friendships. I’m so tired of being hurt that I’ve gotten so comfortable just staying to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a super outgoing person and I love human interaction. But sharing deep parts of my is absolutely not happening. Which is bizarre because I can come here all day and express myself. But if someone wants to talk about it in real life, forget about it.

I think getting comfortable stunts you. Not all of you, because I truly feel like the last few years have been my defining ones. Dealing with trauma, working through things, learning about myself and just blooming into the person I want to be. So I’ve definitely grown. But when it comes to any sort of relationship, I want no part in it.

The saddest thing is I crave genuine human connection. I want friends/a romantic relationship where I feel like I can just talk about anything and everything and be completely happy. But I’ve been hurt and walked on so many times that now I’m just completely comfortable being alone. I honestly rather prefer it anymore. And I hate that I don’t step out of that comfort zone because I’m such a social person. But I’d rather be lonely and happy then surrounded by people who could hurt me.

I’ve met some of the nicest people in the world and I’ve still cut them off. Not intentionally. I just get so stuck in this place of not wanting to get hurt that if there’s even a moment that I feel like someone could betray me, I’m done. I have old friends who would lose their minds when I would leave my house for anything other than work or school, that’s how little I left.

I mean even as a little couch potato hermit, I have been hurt. And I think this works the same for a job. You get so comfortable where you are that even if you are miserable, it’s easier and safer than trying to find something different. And I’m sure anyone who relates to this can confirm that when you get comfy it’s almost like you’re stuck. Even when you try to break free, the comfort pulls you back.

It’s honestly frustrating. I’d love nothing more than to spread my social butterfly wings and make all the friends and fill my life with laughter. But instead, I work, go to school and come home. I hardly ever leave my house for anything other than necessity. And that’s so sad. I miss being free, having zero care in the world. But when you’ve been hurt so many times and so deeply by almost every person you’ve trusted, it’s almost like being sad at home is better than a possibility of heart break.

I didn’t intend for this post to be so emotional. I’m just sad. I’m tired of staying stuck, but no matter how hard I try, I would rather be by myself. There is only none human being outside of my family that I constantly let in, but even that person sometimes breaks my heart. I wonder if I’m ever going to find my people in the world. Am I ever going to find someone I love more than being alone?

Maybe now that I’m finally discovering me, and the person I truly am, I will find friends I adore and someone to love. But for now, I’m going to stay in my bubble. No matter how sad and pathetic it is, because humans can’t be trusted.

PS. The reason I say any of this is because every person I’ve confided in has either told everyone what I’ve told them, or makes what I’m saying seem like it doesn’t matter. And some of the things I express to friends/guys I’ve dated, is horrible, nightmare inducing shit and no one ever takes it seriously. 99% of the time it was thrown in my face as a reason for leaving. So no, I do not trust people.

Sexuality

I have a lot on my mind today. I keep wondering why sex is so taboo, why is it such a taboo thing to talk about? Why is it something we don’t celebrate more often? I have so many questions. My mom was always so honest with me about everything. She had this motto that if I am old enough to ask the question, I am old enough for the answer. No matter what I wanted to talk about, she was there for those sometimes awkward moments. But then I went out into the world, ready to have these discussions and it was such a taboo naughty thing to talk about.

I never understood why people are so hush about something that everyone does. I truly in my soul believe that if adults were more honest with us about things when we are in those developmental years, things would be so much better. I mean sex ed classes are pathetic. They don’t teach anyone how to safely have sex, it’s basically teaching abstinence until marriage when you are ready to procreate. But EVERYONE likes sex. Okay, not everyone, but there are people who love sex that never want to get married and never want kids. So why aren’t we teaching them how to be safe with multiple partners?

It’s not about personal beliefs like right or wrong, it’s about teaching young adults about sexuality. We should be teaching people that exploring who you are is okay. It shouldn’t be this shameful thing to explore your body. I had a pelvic floor therapist tell me that I needed to be comfortable with who I was because that’s how I was going to be comfortable with a partner. But no one ever taught me how to explore my own body. It’s frustrating when you think about statistics, 1 in every 5 person has an STD, 90% of them being completely preventable.

I mean look at HPV, it is such a common thing. Almost everyone who is sexually active has it even if they don’t know it. This is something I truly believe could have been preventable had sex ed classes taught us better. I just think it sucks that there are so many adults still struggling with their sexuality. Not even the battle of LGBTQ+, I am talking people that aren’t comfortable with sex. I am one of them, some things happened in my life that made me feel shameful and guilty for it. But no one taught me that I can take back that power.

Rape victims are often so traumatized they don’t ever want to be touched. Why aren’t we working to better accommodate them. Why aren’y we giving these men and women tools to take back control. Why aren’t we doing more to teach people about sexuality. Even if you are the most conservative, by the book, religious person, you probably enjoy sex. So why are we not having conversations? Why is sex such a taboo thing? Why is sexuality something to be ashamed of instead of something to liberated by?

Stop making it taboo. Talk to your children when they ask questions. Be open to dialogue even if you don’t approve of a decision. Be honest with yourself. Everyone is sexual, it is a biologic trait. Even animals have this need to mate. Stop making something everyone does a shameful thing. Sexuality is beautiful. Sexuality is empowering. And as a victim, taking back that power was an HUGE part of my healing.

To anyone out there struggling, explore yourself. Take baby steps to become comfortable with you. Once you can take back that power and enjoy yourself, you will be unstoppable. I am with you, I understand, I have been there. I think had we been given tools or just given the option to open up a dialogue I think so many people would have been spared diseases, or years of trauma.

PS. If someone wants to be a “hoe” let them. Stop trying to control everyone else’s lives. Let those people express themselves and be who they are. As long as they are being safe and no putting anyone in harms way, it should be no concern of yours.