Hi guys, I know it’s been awhile and I kind of left you with a very emotional and depressing last post. I wanted to give you guys an update on how I am doing. I am really bad about opening up about the deep emotions and feelings I have about this assault, or really anything, to my friends and family in real life, so I figured writing a blog post where I can’t see people’s reactions might be better. And we all know this blog is my safe space and my place to just let all my emotions out. I am going to start with the super deep stuff first and then I will give you guys the random gossip updates so I don’t leave you with my bad juju.
Let me start by saying since my last post I haven’t improved a whole lot. I am in a state of denial, not about what happened, but about my feelings toward the situation. I am constantly trying to stay strong and not let this traumatic ass situation get to me. I make morbid jokes about it and I am constantly putting on this brave face to the world. I will talk about it, but I try to avoid the feelings behind it. I will acknowledge it, so I say it happened, but I avoid letting anyone see just how much it affects me. I don’t think people in my life really know how much this is messing with me every single day. So I am just gonna lay it all out in this post.
I am not okay. I know to people who see me everyday, I may seem like I am doing so much better, but I am not. I am really, really good at hiding how I am feeling. I can cover up all the negative emotions because that is how I have learned to cope. But the truth is, I am not okay. I am struggling every single day. Anytime I don’t have work, or school, or a doctor’s appointment, I am sleeping. I am avoiding. I am still having nightmares almost every night. I am still struggling with the feeling that something bad is going to happen so I am constantly looking over my shoulder. I have been lying to myself for weeks, but I am majorly depressed. I can’t seem to find pure joy much anymore. Work has become my outlet because being with my friends and dealing with the chaos of a busy ER lets me escape the difficult emotions I am faced with every day. But work is just another distraction from the emotions I continue to suppress.
I try really, really hard to handle my shit. I just have this habit of suppressing my emotions because it’s easier than dealing with them. I find ways to turn my trauma into humor but that too is just a cover for how I am really feeling. I don’t know how this became my coping mechanism but it did. The years of abuse I endured as a child, the abuse I settled for in my relationships as an adult and now the trauma of another sexual assault, you can see why avoiding seems easier. I am not okay.
I don’t know when hiding became my normal. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like a burden to those around me, which I think plays a huge part in the way I am handling things. Because I am a talker, I have to talk things out in order to understand them. But I have maybe 4 people I can talk too about the way I am feeling and I know at some point listening to me try to process these things has to get annoying. So I just stop talking about the deep things that are bothering me and in turn stop acknowledging them. Instead, I just let them sit inside me and fester. I am not okay. And I want to express these things to my friends and family but I just feel like people are tired of listening to me stress about the same things over and over. I trust these people with my whole heart, but I feel like I am always so focused on my problems. I start to feel like people don’t want to talk to me because I focus on myself so much that I am not a good friend to them.
This post is seriously all over the place, but this is my brain lately. This is what I am going through every single day. I am emotionally exhausted. I feel like a bad friend. I feel like my friends don’t want to talk to me anymore. I feel like I am not being a good friend to them. I am just not okay. I can’t figure out how to express it. I am sad, I’m angry, I’m hurt, and I am exhausted from feeling all these emotions all the time. I want to be the person I was before this trauma. I want to be the friend I was before this trauma. I want to feel like I am not just a ball of depression. And I know, I know no one in my circle actually dislikes me, or thinks I am a burden. I know I am just projecting my feelings onto others, but when you are this depressed (I am sure many of you know) it feels like everyone you are close to is silently annoyed with you and it feels insanely isolating. It’s hard to remind myself that I have incredible people supporting me. I have amazing friends, I have an amazing family and I have an amazing boyfriend. I know, what a shock about the boyfriend right?
Even though I feel these things about my support system, me feeling like I am a burden to them, I know they don’t feel that way. I seriously have the best group of people helping me through all of this. I have my three best friends, K, M and L (not putting their entire names, in case they don’t want me to talk about them) whom have been absolutely incredible. I love you guys more than I can ever explain. You guys have dealt with my mood swings, the unnecessary drama surrounding my personal life and not once did you guys stop listening, even when I was venting about the same thing for days at a time. You guys have stuck by me through some really tough shit and I know you guys have my back through it all. I also have my incredible momma, who has been a saint helping me navigate everything I am going through. She has been my rock through every single trauma I have endured in this life. She has supported me even when she didn’t agree with the choices I was making. She stood by me during the hardest and most traumatic moment in my life. And she will be with me during the trial, if my case ever goes that far. And lastly, I have a fantastic boyfriend. That’s a story for another day though.
I know this post has been a bit of a mess, but I wanted to update everyone who follows this blog on how things are going since the last post. While things aren’t going great, I do feel like a change is coming. I don’t know if that’s because I have started therapy or because things are finally going to change for the better. I just want everyone who follows this to know that even when things are dark and it feels like there is absolutely no hope left, there will always be something to hold on too. Whether thats family, friends, a pet (my animals have saved me so many times from letting the darkness win), just find something to hold on too. Even when it feels like everything is ruined, like life is never going to get better, there is always a reason to continue.
I tell myself all the time, even if it has to be minute by minute or hour by hour, each minute or hour passed is another minute or hour worth living. I am seriously getting by on the motto of one day at a time because one day is all I have to give right now.
I love you guys so much. Everyone who takes the time to read these diary like posts and give me kind words of strength, you guys are incredible. I am so appreciative of my tiny little community I have created here.
To be continued,