Let’s Get Real for a Second

Hi everyone! I know, I’ve been MIA for a very long time. Let me just say I was out here trying to make a super fun return post, something exciting. But mentally I am struggling. So this post isn’t really going to be about any one thing, really just a post for me to word vomit some of my feelings (because I’m pretty sure I’d scare all my friends with the way I’m feeling right now) So, let me give you a quick update.

I turned 25 in March. Had a pretty juicy mental break down, because why not right? Everyone loves a good ✨ quarter life crisis ✨And I decided I needed to do something with my life. I needed to find a purpose. So I decided I’m going back to nursing school. I haven’t been accepted into any programs, but I’m working my little booty off trying to get there. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to help people, to support people on their worst days, to make an impact. And since I currently have not been accepted into a nursing program, but I want to do something I feel is important one of my best friend’s kind of, in a way, lead me to take a phlebotomy course (he told me to go for it when I asked his opinion so I hit pay, shout out to you my sweet Angel goat) and I’m now a certified phlebotomist in the state of Texas, YAY. Not currently working as a phlebotomist unfortunately, but things could change. However, once the dust settled and I was no longer crazy busy with school, depression set in.

I am in a pretty bad mental headspace right now. Like I have zero idea what I’m doing with my life and kind of feel like I have nothing going for me. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this since you know, depression is out here ruining lives, but I’m so down. I’m doing all these things trying to better my life and I feel like I’m only going backwards. It hit me like a truck, one day I’m out here happy as all get out. The next I can’t even get off my couch to shower because I don’t feel like there is a point. And the worst part, even though I know I have people who care, I can’t reach out to anyone and express these feelings. I feel like my problems don’t need to be someone else’s. I don’t want to scare people away with these thoughts of just feeling, being lost. I try to be this happy, bubbly person because the world needs more of that. But I know people can see through it. My sadness comes out in rage. My irritability comes out as isolation. So I don’t reach out, only making the loneliness worse.

When I say I’m lonely, I’m not talking like just feeling mildly lonely. I mean so lonely that I truly believe there wouldn’t be a single person on this planet who would care if I was gone. And I know this is not correct, I know I have friends and family who would be devastated. I know I have people who are there for me and have my back no matter what I need. But I also feel like I have no one because my depression is a slow form of torture that drains every ounce of joy from my life. It genuinely makes me feel like there isn’t any one person in this world who would be completely devastated if I was gone. I know this is a false narrative created by my bad mental state, which makes it worse because I know it’s completely irrational. My depression is isolation and my anxiety is the door standing between me and anyone I care about. Deb (depressions name) isolates me from everyone. She’s like a bad abusive relationship. And Ann (my anxiety) is voice telling me that Deb is the only person who will love me and accept me. It’s truly like a mentally abusive relationship. And I sometimes think my past trauma is the reason my depression is like this, I think the traumas I endured as a kid created these version of my mental illnesses.

Quick commercial break. I don’t have DID, I just had a therapist who had me name my illnesses to separate them from myself to make it easier to identify when they showed up instead of assuming it’s my own thoughts. Back to the regularly scheduled program.

Deb destroys every shred of self confidence I have and wears me down so much that I literally isolate. I do nothing. I ignore people. And while I know this is all due to the chemical imbalance inside my noggin, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s very real to me. Ann isn’t much better, she keeps the door closed and locked so even if the answer was on the other side, Ann guards my escape from Deb. It takes someone literally breaking in when it gets this bad for me to get out of it. I know a lot of it is my fault, well not my fault per say, but the fault of my brain and trauma. I have walls up, I’m dealing with trauma from my childhood every day. So I know, I know that I am part of the problem. It’s just hard. It’s hard to admit and recognize what you’re doing. It’s hard to say that this isn’t real, because it feels so real. It feels like I’m suffocating. Like the air I breath is just a constant stream of negative statements about me, but I can’t escape them because I need that air to survive. Deb tells me constantly how people just tolerate me. She tells me that the people who I care for the most, are the ones behind the scene not thinking about me for a second. It all just leads to this never ending cycle of someone breaking down that door, and then leaving only so deb and Ann can once again take their places and destroy every shred of confidence I have.

Opening up to people and trying to explain the way I’m feeling is hard, it’s probably the hardest thing I battle on a daily basis. I feel like people get scared and don’t want to deal with these deep thoughts and emotions I’m having, like they aren’t really interested and wouldn’t be bothered if I was no longer around. The best way I can explain it is I feel like an after thought friend. Like I’m someone people come too when all their other options are exhausted. You can talk to anyone who knows me, they call me a hermit. Deb just wears me down. She wears down every shred of my being. I’ve been over here for days trying to find a creative outlet, trying to find something I can do that I’m passionate about. Trying to find something that lets me express the way I’m feeling but in a beautiful way. Art, music, writing. All these things are creative outlets to feel what other people are feeling. But that no matter what I do, it doesn’t feel this hole of just lonely. It doesn’t feel this hole that I mean nothing to no one. But I guess trying is something right? I write songs, I try to think of creative new outlets (fashion, makeup, nails). I try, and I know that’s a big step. But I still feel this weight of suffocation and isolation.

It’s not all bad either. I put myself out there and I try to make genuine connections, but I’m so afraid of being hurt, of being abandoned that when I feel myself attaching to people I back away. Even people I’ve known for years. There is one person in my life whom I love more than any human being I’ve ever met, and even this person I feel like I can not talk about these deep feelings with. Even though he’s known me for years, we’ve been through so much together, and he’s ALWAYS had my back no matter what life throws my way, I feel like he’d get scared at the awful thoughts in my brain. Even though I know he won’t, (love you if you’re reading this). He understands me in a way no one else really does. But Deb and Ann sit by that door and tell me he’s going to run if I talk to him about this. And as my longest friendship, losing him would devastate my soul. So I try to keep things surface, which isn’t good either. This is something I do with everyone. Anytime I try to get deep, I stop myself.

The really sad thing is, I’m like this with all good things in my life too. It’s not just personal connections. I am so afraid of failure and rejection that instead of going full out on anything, I quit before I even really try. I tell myself I enjoy being alone, I enjoy just existing, I enjoy being an ordinary person. And that’s totally fine, ordinary is still amazing. But that’s so far from the truth of who I am. I want to make an impact. I want to have a solid purpose in this world. I want to do amazing things, I wanna save lives. But here I am at 3 am on a Friday night and all I can think about is I’m alone.

Childhood trauma has this way of sticking with you forever. It’s like the person who abused you is always over your shoulder. They are always there making everything you do about them. The worst part is when you have a tattoo matching them, a tattoo that truly is so special to you, but matches the person who broke your entire spirit.

I guess I’m just sad. I mean obviously it’s more than sad, this is a legit mental illness that does kill people. But I’m lost. I’m not sure what path I’m on. I feel alone. But a weird sense of alone. It’s so hard to explain something so complex without feeling like I’m dramatic. Which I am for the record but I think it’s a defense thing.

I don’t know, I guess there was no real purpose for this post. More just a little diary for me to explain the things going through my mind. We can’t all be perfect all the time. I’m struggling, I’m mentally just done. But I saw a tiktok and this lady said, “just try one more time”, so I’m just going to try. One more time.

Struggles of Life

Do you guys ever struggle with your own decisions? Do you ever beat yourself up because you made dumb choices that landed you where you are? Do you have regrets about anything you’ve done in life? Because for me the answer is yes to all of those questions.

When I graduated high school I wanted so badly to be a cosmetologist. I had my mind made up that that was the career path I wanted to take. Prior to that all I ever wanted to be was a nurse. When I say my entire life was planned around me being a nurse, I’m not exaggerating. But I feel in love with the beauty world. Hair, make up, nails, skin care. I loved it all. So I went to cosmetology school. And about 5 months into that I realized that wasn’t what I want to do.

So I of course applied for a nursing program. I was going to be a nurse if it was the last thing I did. I was almost a year into my program and my school shut down. I found out not a single credit I earned was transferable, so I had to start completely over. And during that time when I was redoing all my pre-req classes I fell in love with psychology. I decided I wanted to be a therapist. I worked for two years trying to get a psych degree. But once again I realized I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life doing that. I love psychology still, like I research and learn about everything psych related. But something inside me was telling me that wasn’t my path.

So I took a year off. I spent that year working, trying to figure out what exactly I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to do something in the medical field because the human body just fascinates me, but I was worried I’d never get into a nursing program. I researched everything I could possibly be in the medical field and I found an interest in radiology tech. I thought imaging was so cool. I thought it was so interesting to see the human body in real time, things we can’t see just by looking at someone. So I applied for that program, and of course, I wasn’t accepted.

After I received that rejection letter I realized that everything I loved was a part of being a nurse. Cosmetology: making people feel good/look good, psychology: understanding the mind and the disorders of the mind, radiology tech: seeing internal injuries and finding a way to fix them. everything I love is a part of the career I always dreamed of having. I hate that I didn’t just stick with nursing to begin with. I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life. I feel like I lost part of my life to bad choices. I feel awful and ashamed that it’s taken me this long to figure things out.

But then I realize, if I had stuck with nursing I may have regretted never trying anything else. I may have hated it because I wanted to explore other career paths. Part of me is sure God had this plan for me. He made me so of course He knows how regrettable I can be. I think he lead me to where I am now so I can appreciate the career I always wanted and dreamed of.

I think it’s so important to remind ourselves that everyone has a different journey. Everyone is on their own pace. No two humans are the same with the way they think. There is no way to predict anything. And as much as I hate that it’s taken me years to find what I want to do, I am thankful for the experiences that got me here. I keep reminding myself that this is just the journey I am on. I am not behind or slacking or useless because it took me 5 years to choose a career path, I’m just learning.

Remember to be kind to yourself and appreciate the journey you are on. Don’t give up on your dreams. Always remind yourself that God (or whatever/whoever you believe/ don’t believe in) has a plan , everything will work out the way it should. 💕

Getting Comfortable

I think one of the things that can be so difficult to overcome is getting comfortable. I mean in any aspect of life. It could be with your job, with your friends, with relationships or even just life overall. I feel like getting too comfortable stops anyone from growing because you don’t want to leave that zone.

My main issue is I’m so comfortable being alone, and so content just being with myself that I do not put myself out there. I don’t make new friends. Anytime I’m interested in a guy I just become so checked out because I like my little bubble. I like being home. And I like knowing what’s happening in my life.

I’m sure for me it stems from years of just heart break after heart break. Even in my friendships. I’ve had so many friends that just walked out of my life. I totally understand just not clicking with someone, but these were people I was so close too and they just left. I’ve had men absolutely destroy every part of me that I loved. One even used my chronic illness against me which promptly made me stop getting close to men.

But even 3 years later, I refuse to put myself out there for dates or friendships. I’m so tired of being hurt that I’ve gotten so comfortable just staying to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a super outgoing person and I love human interaction. But sharing deep parts of my is absolutely not happening. Which is bizarre because I can come here all day and express myself. But if someone wants to talk about it in real life, forget about it.

I think getting comfortable stunts you. Not all of you, because I truly feel like the last few years have been my defining ones. Dealing with trauma, working through things, learning about myself and just blooming into the person I want to be. So I’ve definitely grown. But when it comes to any sort of relationship, I want no part in it.

The saddest thing is I crave genuine human connection. I want friends/a romantic relationship where I feel like I can just talk about anything and everything and be completely happy. But I’ve been hurt and walked on so many times that now I’m just completely comfortable being alone. I honestly rather prefer it anymore. And I hate that I don’t step out of that comfort zone because I’m such a social person. But I’d rather be lonely and happy then surrounded by people who could hurt me.

I’ve met some of the nicest people in the world and I’ve still cut them off. Not intentionally. I just get so stuck in this place of not wanting to get hurt that if there’s even a moment that I feel like someone could betray me, I’m done. I have old friends who would lose their minds when I would leave my house for anything other than work or school, that’s how little I left.

I mean even as a little couch potato hermit, I have been hurt. And I think this works the same for a job. You get so comfortable where you are that even if you are miserable, it’s easier and safer than trying to find something different. And I’m sure anyone who relates to this can confirm that when you get comfy it’s almost like you’re stuck. Even when you try to break free, the comfort pulls you back.

It’s honestly frustrating. I’d love nothing more than to spread my social butterfly wings and make all the friends and fill my life with laughter. But instead, I work, go to school and come home. I hardly ever leave my house for anything other than necessity. And that’s so sad. I miss being free, having zero care in the world. But when you’ve been hurt so many times and so deeply by almost every person you’ve trusted, it’s almost like being sad at home is better than a possibility of heart break.

I didn’t intend for this post to be so emotional. I’m just sad. I’m tired of staying stuck, but no matter how hard I try, I would rather be by myself. There is only none human being outside of my family that I constantly let in, but even that person sometimes breaks my heart. I wonder if I’m ever going to find my people in the world. Am I ever going to find someone I love more than being alone?

Maybe now that I’m finally discovering me, and the person I truly am, I will find friends I adore and someone to love. But for now, I’m going to stay in my bubble. No matter how sad and pathetic it is, because humans can’t be trusted.

PS. The reason I say any of this is because every person I’ve confided in has either told everyone what I’ve told them, or makes what I’m saying seem like it doesn’t matter. And some of the things I express to friends/guys I’ve dated, is horrible, nightmare inducing shit and no one ever takes it seriously. 99% of the time it was thrown in my face as a reason for leaving. So no, I do not trust people.

Sexuality

I have a lot on my mind today. I keep wondering why sex is so taboo, why is it such a taboo thing to talk about? Why is it something we don’t celebrate more often? I have so many questions. My mom was always so honest with me about everything. She had this motto that if I am old enough to ask the question, I am old enough for the answer. No matter what I wanted to talk about, she was there for those sometimes awkward moments. But then I went out into the world, ready to have these discussions and it was such a taboo naughty thing to talk about.

I never understood why people are so hush about something that everyone does. I truly in my soul believe that if adults were more honest with us about things when we are in those developmental years, things would be so much better. I mean sex ed classes are pathetic. They don’t teach anyone how to safely have sex, it’s basically teaching abstinence until marriage when you are ready to procreate. But EVERYONE likes sex. Okay, not everyone, but there are people who love sex that never want to get married and never want kids. So why aren’t we teaching them how to be safe with multiple partners?

It’s not about personal beliefs like right or wrong, it’s about teaching young adults about sexuality. We should be teaching people that exploring who you are is okay. It shouldn’t be this shameful thing to explore your body. I had a pelvic floor therapist tell me that I needed to be comfortable with who I was because that’s how I was going to be comfortable with a partner. But no one ever taught me how to explore my own body. It’s frustrating when you think about statistics, 1 in every 5 person has an STD, 90% of them being completely preventable.

I mean look at HPV, it is such a common thing. Almost everyone who is sexually active has it even if they don’t know it. This is something I truly believe could have been preventable had sex ed classes taught us better. I just think it sucks that there are so many adults still struggling with their sexuality. Not even the battle of LGBTQ+, I am talking people that aren’t comfortable with sex. I am one of them, some things happened in my life that made me feel shameful and guilty for it. But no one taught me that I can take back that power.

Rape victims are often so traumatized they don’t ever want to be touched. Why aren’t we working to better accommodate them. Why aren’y we giving these men and women tools to take back control. Why aren’t we doing more to teach people about sexuality. Even if you are the most conservative, by the book, religious person, you probably enjoy sex. So why are we not having conversations? Why is sex such a taboo thing? Why is sexuality something to be ashamed of instead of something to liberated by?

Stop making it taboo. Talk to your children when they ask questions. Be open to dialogue even if you don’t approve of a decision. Be honest with yourself. Everyone is sexual, it is a biologic trait. Even animals have this need to mate. Stop making something everyone does a shameful thing. Sexuality is beautiful. Sexuality is empowering. And as a victim, taking back that power was an HUGE part of my healing.

To anyone out there struggling, explore yourself. Take baby steps to become comfortable with you. Once you can take back that power and enjoy yourself, you will be unstoppable. I am with you, I understand, I have been there. I think had we been given tools or just given the option to open up a dialogue I think so many people would have been spared diseases, or years of trauma.

PS. If someone wants to be a “hoe” let them. Stop trying to control everyone else’s lives. Let those people express themselves and be who they are. As long as they are being safe and no putting anyone in harms way, it should be no concern of yours.

Evolution

Does anyone else ever feel like their life is so far off from where they thought they’d be? Like you had all these plans for your life, all these ideas of the person you wanted to become, and yet that person still feels light years away?

I feel like my life was sooooo different when I imagined where I’d be. If you went back and asked 15 year old me who I wanted to be in 10 years, I’m absolutely nothing like that person. I would have said I want to be a nurse, with a husband, maybe a kid, and a dozen animals. But I’m over here so far from any person I would have dreamed I was going to be.

But honestly, I think the person I am is so much better. I’ve endured so many things in my life. Told myself I was only going to be one person. I feel like I suffocated myself to fit this mold of who I thought people wanted me to be. The person I thought people would like. Yet my most authentic friendship was with someone who truly knew me. That friendship got strained but I still cherish her so much for loving me so authentically.

I just think there are so many of us striving for this perfect image, this perfect life. I mean I developed body dysmorphia based on this notion that I was supposed to be someone else. I don’t think it ever was about my physical appearance, I think it stemmed from all these goals I had set in my life that I never achieved. But I was suppressing every part of me to fit this mold that I thought was “perfection”.

I think the most beautiful thing in life is when you just embrace who you are. You don’t have to fit into one mold, you can be 50 different things. I love art, to my core I think every form of art is just a stunning representation of all the things humans can be. But I also love cars, I would go to 100 car shows even though I understand zero about cars. I just love them. I love animals. I love every genre of music. I also love cheerleading, I get so excited watching videos related to it. I love dance. I am weird. but I think that’s what makes us all so beautiful.

I am not even close to the person I thought I’d be at 25, which I will be in a week. I don’t have the same style. I don’t have any of the same friends. I’m evolving every single day. I’m learning to love all parts of me. Embracing every weirdo, quirky thing that makes me so uniquely me.

So while I’m not a nurse, I don’t have kids and I still haven’t had a guy so madly in love with me he wants to get married. But I have me. I have my new dreams. My new passions. Every detail of myself that I just find stunning. And I couldn’t be more grateful for the people and events that lead me to who I am. No one is perfect. But that’s so beautiful. The fact that we find other humans who we love and adore, who are so imperfect is just so stunning to me.

The ability to evolve is what’s beautiful about growing up. But you have to be willing to be your most authentic self. Don’t hold back because of an image you’re trying to portray, it’ll only lead to heartbreak and loneliness. Express yourself. Be you. Evolve into the person you want to be. I promise, when you finally fall into yourself and allow yourself to be you, everything will click. Every piece will fall into place. You, will be you.

PS, this was not the post I planned for today. But I think it is absolutely stunning. 💕

Why am I blogging?

I’m sure people are wondering what is the appeal in blogging? Well, for me, this is an outlet. A way for me to express all of my emotions in a space where I feel safe. I can talk about anything and everything without judgement from others, and if there is judgement… why are you here?

I love the idea of being able to just let everything out. Someone may happen upon this blog and find some sort of comfort in what I am saying, and I absolutely love the idea of being able to help even in an indirect way. I think the world could use more acceptance. which is why I want this blog to be a space where not only I can let out my emotions, but people can come and find comfort knowing they aren’t alone in their feelings.

I am a very complex human, as everyone is (of course). There are so many things I want to let out. I have a lot of things that I deal with, as I am sure many of you do. So I would like to write about things that people can relate to. Even if the things I write aren’t 100% something you understand, I know we can all understand feelings. Situations may not be the exact same, but the emotions can be.

So blogging for me is something I am doing mostly to express myself, but also to allow other humans a space where they feel comfortable. I have my social media linked on here too, so if I write a blog post that you’d like to talk about, there is a way for us to do so.