I was sitting here crying, because I’m in a very severe episode of depression. I’ve been struggling for a really long time. A year and two months to be exact. I’ve cried out for help to so many people and have felt like no one really cared. I have felt like no one is taking me serious when I talked about how bad things have gotten. If you’ve been around awhile, you know that I’ve been battling some really dark demons. There have been some moments when I didn’t think I would live to see another day. I’ve begged people to listen, and reached out countless times. Yet I’ve still felt so alone. Like not a single person on this planet would care if I was gone. I know that isn’t true, but honestly I’ve never felt more alone in my life. I’ve been battling thoughts I didn’t think I’d come back from. It’s been a year of darkness. A year of fighting through fear and anger and hurt. A year of getting anxious every single time I have to leave the house. This has been a year that’s tested me in ways I didn’t know were possible. A year of intrusive thoughts that in all honesty I thought would end me. It’s been a year of fighting because of an action another person took.
As we all know, I’m very open about the struggles I’m facing because I know when I’m in a dark place, I don’t want to feel like I’m alone in it. So I’m open, honest and raw about all the things I’m going through. Well the rawest thing I can say is for a year I’ve wanted to die. I’ve wanted to be released from the pain, hurt, and trauma. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore, I didn’t want to be scared anymore, I didn’t want any of this anymore. I wanted to die, I still do sometimes. I’ve wanted to be free of the fear, the rage, the depression. I’ve wanted release. Because living everyday with emotions like this is hard. It’s not just a battle, it’s an all out war. Parts of me fighting to stay alive and other parts of me fully giving up. It’s a war that many people do not win. It’s dark, it’s scary, and it’s a time that really shows the true colors of the people around you. It shows who’s really there during the moments when you need them, and who is only there for the moments when you’re unproblematic and don’t have thoughts of suicide.
This past year I’ve honestly had people make me feel bad for being depressed. I’ve had people blame me for issues in their life. I had someone I considered family tell me that my depression, my sadness, my rage was the reason for theirs. They told me that my issues were the reason they were depressed, the reason they wanted to end it all. And even if that was true, even if my darkest moments were the reason for theirs, telling me that I’m the cause of your unstable mental state when I’m in the darkest spot of my life, is not okay. Telling someone who’s already on the brink of suicide that they are the reason for someone else wanting to die, is the most selfish and inhumane thing you can do. Because ever since that day, I have felt like I’m the problem. Like I am this horrible beast of a human that is causing everyone I love to be miserable and hate their lives. And I get it, hearing someone talk constantly about their struggles can get overwhelming, it can get difficult, it can be hard. But seriously, there are so many other ways to say it. I was raped, I was violated in a way that I don’t think I will ever get over. I was stripped down, and held down. So of course I’m full of rage all the time, of course I’m crying and upset and hating my life. And for someone who has also been through things like that, to tell me, while I’m working endlessly to get better that I’m causing your unstable mental health, threw me so far back in my recovery. I have spent months since then scared to talk about anything I’m going through, scared to bring up any negative thoughts and emotions. I’ve been terrified that talking about my struggles would end someone else’s life.
I just feel like if someone is constantly speaking to you about how much they are struggling and are constantly angry, maybe have some empathy and be kind to them. Instead of making them feel worthless for even being alive. Because telling someone who’s already depressed, who’s already suicidal that they are making you feel that way, isn’t right. But then I question myself, like am I being selfish by venting and talking to people I trust about things I’m struggling with? Am I really that awful person they made me feel like I am? Like am I this monster who just destroys everyone around me? I know it’s not easy to be around me when I’m like this, because I have zero ability to be a good friend when I’m this depressed, but I also have zero ability to take care of myself, so trying to take care of someone else is almost impossible. But even still, when they came to me with their problems and their struggles, I still supported them, I still listened. I still did everything in my power to build them up when they couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But then I was told I’m this awful person who’s bringing them down everyday and causing them to be depressed and want to die. I don’t know, maybe I’m just not seeing things clearly.
And like I said, I know I’m not an easy person to be around when I get like this. But if someone had violated you, assaulted you, took away your sense of security in everything you do, and got away with it. I promise you, you’d feel these emotions too. So to look at someone, who’s supposed to be your best friend and tell them that they are the cause of your issues when they are in the darkest moment of their lives… I don’t know. Maybe they were right. Maybe I am the issue. Maybe I am this dark cloud looming over everyone. Maybe I am exactly what they say I am. But even still, why would you do that? Why would you put that one someone else?
I am just tired. I’m exhausted. I’m having a hard time finding any reason to keep living. And I really just needed to let some of these emotions out, because I don’t have anyone anymore it feels like. And I’m so afraid that if I express how I’m feeling to the people still in my life, that I will get the same reaction from them that I got from the two previous people I considered my best friends. I’m so scared to vent to anyone anymore.