Living in Constant Pain

Hi everyone, I know I am awful at keeping up with this blog, school and life have just gotten in the way. But I’m back with a little rant because I am who I am and I just need to vent. Also let me add, I’m not posting this for sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me, I’m posting this because I need to vent and I want people to understand how chronic pain sufferers feel. It’s a constant battle. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Chronic pain wears you down. It eats away at you little by little. I know to some people it may seem like I’m being dramatic, but chronic pain is different for everyone. Some people can push through the pain. I normally can too. But it slowly builds up because I don’t slow down and take care of myself and I end up in a severe depression because I am in so much pain I can’t do anything. So I get mad and then I get depressed because I feel like I’m useless. Like I am just ruining everyone’s lives around me. I have these constant thoughts that if I’m not putting my all into everything I do then I am a failure. If I don’t live up the expectations I’ve set for myself or the expectations I think other people have set for me, I lose myself to the emotions.

All of this though, is connected to pain. Pain takes away everything in your life. And trying to explain how it feels to someone who doesn’t have severe, excruciating pain for literally no reason, is so hard. Because how can you explain to people that you woke up and 90% of the joints if your body are stiff and swollen, and you can’t even get out of bed or off the couch because you know taking just one single step to get up is going to be more painful than anything you’ve experienced.

I’m in the phase of my chronic pain where I’m exhausted and absolutely hate my body. I’m so frustrated with the amount of pain I’ve been in lately. It’s affecting every part of my life. I’m missing work (disappointing all my bosses and managers I’m sure), accumulating points to where I could possibly get fired because my body can’t keep it together. And of course, constantly walking or moving is damn near impossible. And with school, I’m struggling to get energy to study because the pain is so bad it literally just takes everything out of me. And because of that, I feel like I’m going to fail my EMT course. I just feel like this huge disappointment to everyone around me. Like I’m letting everyone down…

I’m also angry. Angry that medicine I’ve been on for years can just randomly stop working and send me into a horrendous flare up. Angry because I hate feeling like I am not good enough. Angry because I feel like my chronic pain illnesses scare everyone away. It’s fucking miserable. It’s a actual living nightmare. Feeling like I’m not living to my full potential because my own body is destroying itself…

I’m just so tired of feeling like a failure and a burden. I just want a normal body, a body that is healthy and doesn’t get in the way of my life. I’ve been struggling with chronic pain since I was 11. I normally laugh and make jokes about it because self depreciation is how I handle bad things, but now I’m just fucking done. I’m exhausted. I’m depressed. I miss the days where the pain was only a small thing I had to deal with. But here I am laying in bed, unable to sleep because I can’t get comfortable enough due to the agonizing pain. All I really want is to be able to wake up and not have to plan my day around how much pain I’m in. Deciding whether to cook or shower because I can’t do both. The spoon theory is the best thing to explain what I mean if you’re curious. It basically breaks things down. Like you start every single day with 10 spoons, but each activity costs more spoons. So as you’re doing things through out the day you’re using spoons. Now people without chronic pain would just find more spoons. But for people suffering day in and day out, we have to decide what to spend our daily spoons on, and if we use too much many on a particular day we just borrow from the next day. But eventually all the spoons run out. Eventually this is no spoon to borrow from your neighbors. That’s when you’re left with the severe pain and no way to control it because you continued to push yourself beyond your limits even when you knew you shouldn’t. When the spoons are gone, life because unbearable.

I honestly just hate being in a body that always feels broken. Not only am I in physical pain, but emotional too. Dealing with pain day in and day out messes with your mind. I’m getting depressed because I feel like I’m not living up to peoples expectations of me. I feel like I’m letting everyone down because I’m not able to be 100% me. I feel guilty about cancelling things or calling off work because I know people will look at me, not be able to see how badly my insides hurt, and judge me. I’ve been called lazy, and people have told me it’s really not as bad as I’m making it out to be. I’ve had people be rude to me and treat me like garbage because of something I can not control.

Being in pain is exhausting. But I think it’s the combination of pain and how people treat me, and also how I treat myself. I know I have to take care of my body, we only get one after all. But the expectations that this society has set makes me feel like a bad person if I’m taking time to let my body rest. I’m just tired…

Sorry the vent was so long, I just needed to express how upset I am right now.

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